Bye-Bye Baby: Surviving the Return to Work After Maternity Leave
You're FINALLY starting to emerge from the fog of new motherhood and really getting into a groove and loving everything about being a mommy. Your peanut is reciprocating emotion - smiling, cooing, and maybe even starting to give you a little giggle! It's such a magical time as a mom, because you're seeing your baby grow in leaps and bounds right now as they are really starting to discover the world around them. This usually happens somewhere around month 2-3 of their life. In the US, if you're a work-outside-the-home mom like me, that also means it's about the time you're returning to work. (I won't get into my thoughts on US maternity leave because we'd be here all day, but maybe I'll save that for another post!) Pretty cruel timing, isn't it?
After I had Annabelle, the company where I worked at the time had a pretty good maternity leave - 10 weeks paid at 100% and then I could choose to take up to 2 more weeks but had to use PTO (Paid time off for all of you non-US readers). Annabelle had a bit of a rough entry into the world (again, another blog post), so we were in the hospital for about 2 days longer than normal. We went in on a Monday evening and came home on a Thursday evening. I remember when she was one week old, I started bawling, thinking to myself "This first week went by so fast (mostly due to the fact that we we in the hospital for a majority of it), I only have 11 more weeks with her, this is awful!" This is a true story, people. Post-partum hormones have a way of twisting things in your head to make you feel EVERYTHING more deeply. Fast forward to 2 weeks before I returned to work, and I was feeling absolutely crushed. We had gotten into our groove and had an awesome routine going. I felt like we were the dynamic duo and I loved every minute. Thinking about returning to work seemingly paralyzed me and I cried. A LOT. I cried during the day. I cried myself to sleep. It was torture. I couldn't wrap my head around leaving this face:
Fast forward 15 months to this past August and I was in the same place, but this time I had 9.5 weeks of maternity leave after having Eloise. Again, exactly two weeks before I went back to work (I honestly don't know why it was 2 weeks both times, and probably never will), I had an total breakdown. I cried almost all day long that day. I was so paralyzed by sadness that I literally got NOTHING done around the house. I had to drag myself out the door to go on a walk with Eloise just to try and get myself out of that funk. Poor Dan, I cried and cried it out to him when he got home too, knowing that there was nothing he could say or do that would make it better. Again, I didn't know how I was going to leave Eloise and return to work - how could I part with this sweet little babe?
You guys, it turns out I survived. Both times. I'm not saying it was easy - it was absolute misery and both times I cried myself to sleep for several days both leading up to the day I returned to work and several days after. What I AM saying is that it can be done. And that seeing my girls' faces light up when I pick them up in the evening is the best part of my day, every day. Even Eloise, who is just over 3 months old, knows her mommy's face and gets that big gummy grin when she sees or hears me come in to pick her up.
By no means do I have all of the answers on how to best cope with returning to work. But I've been thinking about what I'd say to a mom returning to work after maternity leave, whether it's her after her 1st baby or her 5th. Here's what I came up with. Please feel free to add more in the comments in hopes that it might make another mama's transition a little less stressful!
1. Ease Back In
Whether you have "traditional" working hours or not, see if you can work it out with your employer to return in the middle of your typical week. When I went back to work after having Annabelle, I had no choice on the day because of their policy of exactly 12 weeks of leave. I HAD to return on a Monday, and it was the longest week ever. With Eloise, I had a lot more flexibility so chose to return on a Thursday, and then I worked 4 days a week for the following 2 weeks as well. If you have the ability to return in the middle of the week, take it. BONUS idea: if you have the luxury of having family close by, see if they can watch your little angel for those first few days. This makes it easier leaving your little one with someone they (and you!) already know AND it means you don't have to pay for a full week of daycare if you're not using it.
2. Get Baby on a Bottle
If you're nursing, bottle-feeding your baby seems like something you won't have to worry about until right before going back to work. Both of my girls took breastmilk in a bottle from the get go, so this wasn't an issue for me. However, I know of plenty of moms who have had a horrendous time going back to work because their little ones struggled with a bottle, which only adds to that mom guilt. Some kids transition to bottle feeding easily, some don't. If you can, try and get them on a bottle early on.
3. Start pumping before you have to go back
Just like getting baby on a bottle, if you've been nursing your whole maternity leave and not pumping at all, I'd definitely suggest you start before going back. Pumps can be intimidating with all the different parts and being comfortable with yours ahead of time will mean that's one less thing you'll have to worry about figuring out.
4. Do a Dry Run
This is SO important, especially for a 1st time mom. I had a bit easier time with the routine going back to work after Eloise because I knew what to expect at daycare, what their system was, etc. I also knew about how long it would take to get each kiddo ready in the morning and planned accordingly. If this is your first time returning to work after maternity leave though, it's super helpful to do a dry run, otherwise you're adding more stress on yourself that first day - and you definitely don't need any more of that. If your child is in some sort of daycare, maybe talk with the teacher/director to see if they can go for a half day once or twice before you go back to work so that you have an idea of what your mornings will feel like before you actually HAVE to go back.
5. Get everything ready the night before
I STILL do this. Every night. It will make your mornings SO much smoother. With 2 kiddos under 2, this is essential for me, since Dan usually has to leave for work much earlier than I do. I wash and prepare bottles, get my lunch ready, and make sure both girls' bags are ready to go (Eloise's bottles go in right before we leave so they stay cold), and line up all bags on the counter. I always have the best intentions of laying their clothes out the night before as well, but that rarely happens. Instead, I check the weather at night and mentally decide what clothes they will wear so that when getting them dressed, I just grab what I planned. If you can, try to do the same for yourself. Again, I suck at this, but it will help if you can do it!
6. Bring pictures of your babe
Whether this is in a frame, on your desktop background, or even just on your phone, make sure you have lots of pictures to look at of your baby. If you're pumping at work, these pictures will be great to look at while you're sitting there thinking about baby and missing them.
7. Bring something to do while pumping
Speaking of pumping, unless you're required to work while you pump, bring something special for yourself to do during that time. For me it's been knitting some days, a good book other days. Maybe you have a favorite show you can download and watch on your phone while you pump. These kinds of things will help pass the time, and even give you a little bit of a breather during your day.
8. Do something to make you feel good about yourself
I'll readily admit that I'm not the most stylish person in the world, and I definitely don't dress up every day for work. I do however, dress nicely. My workplace is very casual, so I could easily get away with wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, wearing my hair in a pony tail and not wearing makeup. However, that is not something that makes ME feel particularly great, so I make an effort to try and dress nicely. If I wear jeans, I try to wear a fun top. I am comfortable and don't try to squeeze into any pre-pregnancy clothes quite yet, but I make a bit of effort to feel nice about how I look. I do wear makeup every day, but don't do my hair every day (pony tails and headbands are my BFF these days). I do just enough to feel good about myself. This isn't everyone's cup of tea and that's fine, but it works for me. Maybe a nice cup of Starbucks coffee makes you feel good about yourself. Maybe it's a certain song you want to listen to on the way to work every day. Whatever it is for you, do it.
9. Know that people will say stupid things
Someone will undoubtedly say "Do you miss your baby?" "Is it hard coming back?" or my favorite, "Are you getting enough sleep?" (seriously, I've had great sleeping babies, but I still don't feel like I'm getting enough sleep. EVER.) These are all well-intended questions, but not very well thought out. People generally don't have malicious intent when they ask these things, they just aren't in the same raw place as you are at that moment. If you can, gracefully, yet honestly answer them - they will get the point. If you don't feel like you can, just tell them it's been a struggle and you don't really feel like talking about it at the moment. Then go run and hide in the bathroom with tissues!
10. Remind yourself that it WILL get easier
Mom guilt is a real thing. It will never go away, it will just take on different forms - and it's different for each mom. But you'll learn to deal with it. It's never going to be easy leaving your child with someone else after you've been with them pretty much 24/7 for the first few months of their life, even if it's with family. You will likely feel like a horrible mother. But you'll learn how to manage those feelings, and in the end you'll be a better mom for it. Definitely make sure you talk with your partner about how you are feeling. They likely won't be able to fix anything for you, but it's so important to communicate how you are feeling so it doesn't stay bottled up inside. Hang in there mama, remind yourself that you CAN do this, and it WILL get easier. And honestly, who wouldn't want to come home after a long day at work and have moments like these?
