Going from a Family of Three to a Family of Four: What I Was and Wasn't Prepared For
- Abby Hillary
- Oct 9, 2017
- 8 min read
Growing our family has been such a blessing to both Dan and I. It may not be common knowledge to everyone we know, but we struggled to get pregnant for quite some time (I'll talk about that in a later post), so having 2 healthy and beautiful children has been one of the greatest gifts that for a while we thought might not be possible! After we had Annabelle, we started talking about when we wanted to have our next child, and decided we wanted them pretty close together for a variety of reasons. I was 33 when we had Annabelle and I'm not getting any younger! Both Dan and I are within a few years of our siblings and we wanted to give that experience to our children as well. Lastly, from the get-go, we knew Annabelle was a very good-natured child, so we felt it just worked out to have these two be very close in age.
Even though we knew it was happening, when the pregnancy test confirmed we were actually pregnant with Eloise, I think both Dan and I had a "Holy Shit, this is actually going to happen, we are actually going to have two kids" moment. In all honesty though, I think that moment dissipated quickly as we went on about our lives. We were loving watching Annabelle starting to interact more, moving all over the place, babbling, crawling, and eventually walking. I just remember thinking, "How fun it will be with two little ones!"
It's funny how fast a pregnancy goes when you have a little one at home already. I remember feeling like my pregnancy lasted forever with Annabelle, and with Eloise, life was just moving so much faster and it seemed like all of a sudden I was in my 3rd trimester and we'd hardly done ANYTHING to prepare. In all fairness, it wasn't like it was our first rodeo. We had all the gear, clothes, etc. It was really just a matter of moving Annabelle to her new room and getting all things newborn out from the basement and washing all the tiny clothes. Since it was still pretty fresh in our mind, it was fairly easy to get everything all set physically.
A lot of people asked us before Eloise arrived, "What does Annabelle think about being a Big Sister?" What I really wanted to say was, "She's a year old now and will only be 15 months when her sister arrives. Also, she doesn't really talk. Even if she did, she would have no comprehension of what is going to happen, so what do you think?" Instead, I always just said (very nicely), "Well, she's not really old enough to fully understand what's going on, so we'll just have to see what happens when the baby gets here!"
A few weeks before Eloise was born, I started reading various articles on how to introduce your toddler to your newborn and going from having one child to 2. A lot of the introducing the older sibling to the newborn was centered around the older sibling being at least 2, so those weren't as helpful as I thought. There were however, a few tips I took from them, such as keep your older sibling's routine as normal as possible, make sure you give the older sibling some one on one time still, etc., practice ahead of time with a baby doll, so we made sure to do all of those things. Other articles and blogs I read were about being worried that your heart can't possibly love another child as much as your first, but that in the end it does. And maybe I was a little worried about that, but not overly concerned. I knew I would love my new baby just as much as my first.
At my 38 week checkup, my OB/GYN (who is AMAZING) and I discussed induction. There was no medical reason like with Annabelle, but my body was just hurting. I was ready to have this baby (in all honesty, Eloise has a HUGE head compared to the rest of her body, and I'm sure that contributed to feeling like something was grinding on my pelvic bones for the last 2 months of my pregnancy with her). We scheduled the induction for when I was 39 weeks and 1 day, and Dan and I then proceeded over the next few days to start REALLY getting everything in order and arranging care for Annabelle. This was finally happening! We were about to meet our newest daughter and go from a family unit of 3 to one of 4! It was the evening before the induction when I realized that as much as I was ready to have Eloise, I might not have been as emotionally prepared as I thought I was. I mean, in all honesty though, until it's actually happening, I don't know that anyone would have been as ready as they thought. I was so excited and ready to meet our sweet new baby girl, but at the same time almost mourning the loss of our family being just the 3 of us.
Here is what I was and wasn't prepared for when we grew our family from 3 to 4:
*I WAS prepared for life to get crazier. I knew with two under two that Dan and I would no longer have the defensive edge - we were now playing 1-on-1 defense.
*I WASN'T prepared to miss Annabelle so much while I was in the hospital having Eloise. Perhaps it was the hormones or the increasing intensity of my contractions, but I found myself missing Annie and almost cried when my mother-in-law brought her for a quick visit about an hour or so before Eloise arrived.
*I WAS prepared to be head over heels in love with my new baby. I feel like so many people are worried about this. I was not one of them. I already knew there was enough room in my heart to love another child just as much as I loved her sister.
*I WASN'T prepared for night 2 cluster feeding. When Annabelle was born, she spent her first 2 nights in the NICU. As awful as that was, it also meant that we had a bit more uninterrupted sleep than normal and did not experience the 2nd night newborn cluster feeding. I was completely unprepared for that with Eloise and boy, was it rough. I spent 6 hours STRAIGHT feeding her, until finally one of the times that Dan woke up I was just sobbing out of sheer exhaustion (and again, hormones) and we called the nurse and asked if they could take her to the nursery. I felt like a failure as a parent by doing so, but in the end knew it was a good decision because it gave me 2-3 hours of sleep that night.
*I WAS prepared to be tired. A LOT. Annabelle was, as many of you know, kind of a freak of nature when it came to being a baby. She was on a routine what seemed almost immediately, and was a great sleeper. I knew it was highly unlikely that we'd have two kids that were like that, but secretly hoped it would happen. Well, it didn't. Eloise was still a good sleeper when she slept, but she would be up for 2 hours when she woke at night. Everyone says to sleep when the baby sleeps during the day, but I really had a hard time doing that. I was exhausted (still am!), but knew it would probably be the case, so was prepared for it.
*I WASN'T prepared to feel so guilty and inadequate so much of the time. If there was one thing I could say to a new mom of 2, it would be to cut yourself some slack in this area, because this is probably the biggest thing I wasn't prepared for and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't the being worried about loving Eloise as much either. It was feeling like whatever I did, it wasn't enough for either of them, and I felt like I was shortchanging both. I felt completely inadequate as a mother, let alone a wife. I was so used to having so much one on one time with Annabelle - we were two of a kind and did almost everything together. I knew that would change as soon as Eloise was born, and since I was the one who gave birth, there were a lot of things that only I could do for her and that it was me that would be spending my days of maternity leave with her. I just didn't know how that would make me feel. I felt guilty that I only had a few hours a day where I would see Annabelle, and that I had so much time with Eloise. And then I felt guilty for thinking that, because I knew Eloise deserved that undivided attention too. I also felt guilty that while Eloise had my undivided attention during the day while I was on maternity leave, as soon as Annabelle got home, the day got exponentially more chaotic so I was trying to find that balance. As Eloise became more aware of her surroundings, I felt guilty that I didn't do as much with her as I did when Annabelle was little. Annabelle slept and napped very regularly, so we'd go out and do small things like grocery shopping often. Eloise on the other hand didn't fall into a routine as well, if at all, so I was really at the mercy of her erratic feeding and napping and couldn't really plan outings like I did with Annabelle. And I felt guilty for that, even though it was neither her fault nor mine. I really had to work hard to let go of that guilt and know that I was doing the very best for both of them, and that we were all just working on finding our new normal as a family. I'm sure the hormones leveling out helped in this area too!
*I WAS prepared to be completely in awe of the growing relationship of my two girls. I knew Annabelle would be a bit indifferent towards her sister in the beginning, but hoped that would soon change. And it definitely did. Annabelle is very interested in her sister Weezy as we call her, or as Annie calls her, "Wee Wee." We're still working on being gentle, because Annie just wants to go up and shove all the pacifiers she can find in Eloise's mouth because she thinks that's what she wants. But they overall love each other very much. Eloise gives her sister the BIGGEST smiles - sometimes she even laughs when Annabelle just looks at her and smiles. Annabelle in turn will bring Eloise toys, or offer her blankets and help her spin the Wonder Wheel on her jumper. She freely gives hugs and kisses to her little sister, and when I go to pick them up at daycare, Annabelle is always more excited to see Wee Wee than she is to see Mama (no joke, she always yells out "Wee Wee! Wee Wee!" when we walk in, and runs up to her). Eloise clearly isn't mobile yet, but I'm just envisioning her following her big sister around everywhere as soon as she is. I really cannot wait to see what the future holds for these two!
To the parents out there about to go from 1 to 2 kids, or are in the midst of it right now, especially if you're the mom that just gave birth, hang in there. You'll likely feel things that you never thought you'd feel, both good and bad. You'll be more exhausted than you knew was possible. You will wonder if you were ever meant to be a parent and how you'll manage 2 little humans who are completely dependent on you without reaching your breaking point. I'm here to tell you that this stage will pass. It might be dark and stormy in the beginning, but at the risk of sounding too cliche, the rainbow on the other side is so much brighter than you ever thought possible!
Comments