Tis the Season to Be...Overwhelmed?
As many of you know, I'm admittedly a Christmas junkie. I love all things Holiday Spirit. I ordered an essential oil literally called "Holiday Spirit." As soon as Halloween was over, I was scanning the radio stations for Christmas music, and I'm listening to it 24/7 at work and at home if we aren't watching something after the kids go to bed. I love gifting and seeing the look on people's faces when they open something from me (and to be completely honest, I love the getting part too). I love getting together with family. I love making holiday sweets - I confess I've already made Puppy Chow 3 times since Halloween. So it would stand to reason that of all seasons, the Holiday Season makes me the happiest.
In one sense it does. I love the joy, the traditions, the decorations, and all things that remind me of the Thanksgivings and Christmases of my childhood, because isn't that when we were all were truly in awe of the wonder of the Holidays? Annie is walking around the house pointing to anything that remotely looks like Santa Claus and saying "Ho Ho Hoooo!" It's so much fun to see it through her eyes.
But in another sense, the holiday season is exhausting. Even when all those things are fun. This past weekend was amazing and fun and insanely busy. On Wednesday night, my mom, the girls, and I went a day earlier than originally planned to my sister's house for Thanksgiving (she lives just over 2 hours away), and then my dad, brother, and Dan came with our dogs the following day. It ended up working better that we went early in the long run activity- and nap-wise, but it also meant that Annie's sleep that first night was a bit off. To spare you the details, I ended up sleeping on the floor next to her pack and play that night. Oddly enough, Eloise sleeps much better in different places than her sister, so at least there was that! We had a great time on Thanksgiving day feasting and playing, and Dan, the girls, our dogs and I spent Thursday night again and were on the road Friday morning after breakfast and some playtime with sweet Rita.
Friday evening, we went to Dan's parents for some heavy appetizers, drinks, playtime with cousin Emmy, and then to the Christmas Tree lighting just 5 minutes from their house. Eloise was the cutest little baby all bundled up in her snowsuit, and Annie was running around like a wild banshee, fueled by s'mores and all things Santa.
Saturday was, for the most part, a bit calmer of a day. As "calm" as it can be with an almost 2-year-old and an almost 6-month-old, that is. Ellie has been battling a nasty cough which started last week with a runny nose, progressed to weepy eye discharge, and is now what sounds like a mix of that barky croup cough and a "productive" phlegm-y cough. (Yes, I know that was very descriptive, but now you can imagine exactly what I'm describing, right?) So while we were busy entertaining the kids, I had the constant talk in my head wondering if my baby is ok. That, in and of itself, can be tiring! Later in the evening, I went to dinner and to see Les Miserables with my brother downtown.
Again, that was great, but when you combine dinner with a show as long as Les Mis on a weekend that you've been going and doing things constantly for days, it ended up being more draining than I had anticipated. I didn't get home until close to midnight and didn't get to bed well after that. I'm a between-9&10pm-bedtime kind of girl, so this was WAY past my the normal time that I usually settle in for the night.
Sunday was spent hanging out with the kids. Nothing else, thank goodness. I think we Face-timed with my sister and Rita, but other than that, no major outings. We DID however, start decorating the house for Christmas. I love getting the house ready for Christmas, but it was a whole new ballgame this year! Last year, Annie was crawling a bit at this point, but wasn't tall enough to reach most things. Nor was she vocal enough to tell us what she wanted. This year she was all over the place and wanted EVERYTHING. ALL of the Santas. ALL of the snow globes. Basically, she wanted to play with every single thing that we pulled out of the Christmas boxes. So rather than dividing and conquering the decorations at a leisurely pace like we have in the past, this year it was more like Dan did the decorating and I entertained Annie with the Christmas things she CAN play with (our magnet nativity set, some bells, a big stuffed Santa, you get the drift), all while making sure Ellie was happy and breathing OK through her cough. At the end of the day though, I must say the decorations looked pretty nice!
(Yes, I realize this says 2016 - my parents get the kids a new snow globe each year, and this was the 2016 globe)
As you can tell, it was a busy weekend! For someone who is more of an introvert, all of these things, while good and amazing, wore on me. I try to blog every couple days, and if you follow the blog somewhat, you'll notice it's been over a week since I've written a thing. Part of that is because I've obviously been spending time with family for Thanksgiving, but part of that is because I've just been, well, overwhelmed.
I came home from work 2 nights ago and just started crying to Dan. Not about anything in particular. More like about EVERYTHING in particular. I was tired. Eloise is sick. I didn't get to take the week off of work like we usually do after Thanksgiving because I had to use my time off during maternity leave. I think there was a whole host of other things that I listed, too. I felt like I would snap if someone said one wrong thing. Or cry. For 2 days it felt like the tears were just hanging out behind my eyeballs, just waiting to be released in a flood. And it has been really hard for me to put my finger on why. I'm more of a go with the flow and look on the positive side of things kind of person. I just had an amazing weekend with our small family, as well as both my side and Dan's side of our families. Our kids are happy. The Christmas decorations are up, for goodness sake! Why was I so sad and upset? It didn't hit me that day. It actually didn't hit me until about 1/2-way through yesterday. There isn't one thing in particular that was making me so sad. I am just overwhelmed. I had reached my breaking point and was burnt out.
I feel bad even saying that, because I know I'm very lucky in that I have an amazing partner in Dan, awesome parents and in-laws who will help out at the drop of a hat. All those things I blogged about last week that I am thankful for - I really am lucky. But I've come to realize that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel overwhelmed, or like I've reached the point where I've burnt myself out. I'm human, just like everyone else. And I tend to push myself too hard and for too long, and I don't realize it until I've reached that breaking point. The point where I come home and ugly cry into my husband's shirt and tell him that I feel like I'm pouring from an empty cup.
So how am I pushing on? Because you know, I still have a job to do, I still have kids to care for, I still have holiday shopping and wrapping to finish, and I still have plans on the calendar. Well, I'm taking it one day at a time. No, one moment at a time. I'm doing what I can and making sure I make time for myself. My good friend Lacey told me that I don't have to block out a day (how nice would that be?!?!), but that I can start by blocking out small chunks of time. And not like in the shower. I'm talking like once the kids are in bed, just sitting down. If I feel like talking, then talk. If I don't, then I won't. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to make sure I take those breaks. Small chunks of time to re-charge are good for me. And I thank my lucky stars every day that Dan recognizes what I need when I get like this. He goes into auto-pilot mode almost immediately, constantly asking what I need him to do, how he can help, what he can get ready for me so I don't have to worry about the next thing on my list. He's off of work this week and is so far 2 for 2 with having dinner ready when I get home, which is AH-MAZING. He's a great guy, isn't he?
These small moments of recharging and re-centering are so needed. Because if I don't have those, mornings like this morning would have started very differently. Eloise was up talking (aka squawking) at 4:37am. I actually turned the sound off on the monitor (we had it on the past few days due to her coughing/chest congestion) and threw the covers over my head to try and get some more sleep. Yep, total Mom of the Year over here... Anyways, after some broken 5 minute chunks of sleep, I finally got out of bed and went to get her around 5:45am, when she greeted me with that big gummy smile of hers. We went into the bathroom where I started getting ready and about 30 minutes later, she was back asleep. Thanks kiddo, couldn't you have done this about an hour and a half ago?
Anyways, it doesn't much matter, because I had taken some moments of time yesterday to myself. To collect myself, and to just be and take care of me. And that made all the difference in the world in terms of how I handled the morning.
Had I not made sure to relax yesterday, I wouldn't have realized that it was kind of nice that Eloise fell back asleep this morning. I was the only one awake in the house for about 10 minutes. It was so quiet and peaceful. There were no sound machines on, no kids babbling or crying, no dogs walking around - nothing. Pure silence. I walked downstairs quietly to get some coffee and had the house not been so quiet, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed this moment as much. Dan had put our outdoor Christmas lights up yesterday, and they stay on through the night. As I came down the stairs, the view made me stop and smile (it was more magical in real life, I promise).
All of you out there (parents or not) that find yourselves loving the holidays but conflicted at your feelings of exhaustion, burnout - whatever it may be...know you're not alone. There are so many of us at this point in our lives. If you can take those small moments to yourself, even if it's just to cry and let the floodgates open, do it. And know that wherever
and whoever you are, I'm saying a little prayer for you. Because couldn't we all use a little love this season?