Toddler Tantrums: What's the Deal?
You would think now that the holidays are over, I'd get back to blogging on the regular, right? I thought so too, but life has other plans I guess. But I'm still trying to do it at least once a week, because I love you all and love sharing our life with you!
As you may be able to tell by the title of today's post, this week has been meltdown central at our house. Annabelle will be 2 in just over a month, and I'm certain she's already in her terrible twos. She's got almost a full mouth of teeth, but I think she still has a few back ones coming in, because she's been so moody and mad lately. She flips a switch like I've never seen! One minute she's happy, the next minute you'd think the world is crashing down on her.
I've tried to pinpoint times of the day that I feel are "hot times" for her meltdowns and they are not super consistent, but there is at least one in the morning and at least one at dinner time. Key words being "at least." Most times there are several meltdowns, but I'm being generous here, people. And they are for little things: She doesn't want her milk after she literally JUST asked for it. She wants to play with my makeup while I'm getting ready and I told her no. She just wants to be held while I'm trying to get Eloise dressed and I tell her no, I can't. She asks for more food, throws it on the floor, and gets beyond angry when I take the plate away. You get the jist.
When Annabelle has these tantrums, it starts with this high pitched scream at the top of her lungs with her moth wide open. And crazy eyes. She stares at me when she's screaming with the craziest eyes! It's like they are looking into my soul and saying "Watch out Mom, this screaming is just the beginning of my tantrum..." And sure enough, it's full-blown meltdown after the screams start. Once she gets the scream out, a lot of times she's still so mad that she doesn't know what to do with her anger and starts to bite her own hand. I pull her hand away if I'm sitting right there, but I'm not always right in front of her when it happens, so the poor kid has a few self-inflicted bite marks on her hands. I feel like a bad mom when I take her to daycare and have to say "She bit her hand again, so if you see bite marks on her, it's most likely not from any of the kids. It's probably self-inflicted." God bless the daycare teachers, they just smile and assure me that it's a normal toddler behavior!
After the height of the screaming and biting, a lot of times Annabelle's meltdowns dissolve into just that. A meltdown. Think of what a meltdown looks like as an adult. Just a crumpled mess of tears. And boy, is she an ugly crier. I should have taken a picture this week (or even better, a video!) so you could see the full effect of the hot mess that is Annabelle crying. Let's just say it's not pretty.
What is Eloise doing during all of this? Well, if it's a dinner time meltdown, it's pretty hilarious actually. She's NOT a sympathy crier. Instead, she just ignores Annie sometimes (clearly unimpressed), and other times actually laughs at her!
How do I handle these tantrums and avoid a complete meltdown myself? The laughing from Eloise certainly helps haha. The rest of the time, to be honest, internally I'm melting down every time this happens, but I don't let it show to her. Because the minute she knows she can do that, it's game over. There are a few things I do though, that seem to help.
1) Breathe
When the meltdown starts, it sounds so simple, but I take a deep breath. It helps center me and in a way, it mentally prepares me to stay calm.
2) Ride it out
Unless she's biting herself (at which point I calmly remove her hand from her mouth without much of a show), then I ride out the screaming part of her meltdowns. There's nothing I can do to stop that part. And if I try to talk her down at that point, she literally won't hear me. She may even scream louder in fact. So I just go about with what I'm doing until the screaming is over. Luckily, this part doesn't last too incredibly long, so I'm starting to tune it out.
3) Let her cry for a bit
After Annie comes down from the height of her screaming, it inevitably turns to crocodile tears. Timing is so crucial when this happens. I've tried to calm her immediately when it turns to tears and have learned that is NOT a good idea. She's still coming down from the screaming, and if I poke the bear too soon, the whole process usually starts over. So, I go about my way, whether it's getting ready in the morning or feeding Eloise at dinner times, and let her cry for a few minutes. This might not be how you do it, but that's OK! This is what works for us.
4) Talk it out and give hugs
After Annie's been crying for a minute or two and seems to be calming down just a little bit, or at least the volume of her cries is turning down a notch, I usually get right at her eye level and start talking to her. Most times it involves a hug. I look right at her, give her a hug, and ask if she is sad. Of course she always says yes, and then gives me a hug too. Then we talk - in very simple terms - about what she's mad or sad about. For example, if it was throwing her food on the floor, the conversation goes something like this:
Me (hugging her): Annie, it's OK to be sad. Are you sad because I took your food away? Annie (pathetically, through tears and sniffles): Uh-huh.
Me: Well, when Daddy or I give you food, it's for you to eat, not to throw on the floor, OK?
Annie: (Nods)
Me: You have to listen to Mommy and Daddy when we tell you this, OK? Annie (through slowing sniffles): OK
Me: Would you like to eat your food now instead of throwing it on the floor? Annie: Nods or says yes.
More hugs.
I of course always make her say please before I give her the food back and thank you after I've given it to her, and she's pretty good about it, too.
5) Be consistent
This is the biggest thing for me. After that whole conversation is had, sometimes she does the right thing and eats her food, or tells us she's all done. Sometimes it goes on the floor again and the process starts over until it's clear that she's done and the food is taken away completely. But we remain consistent in our approach of how we handle it. It hasn't decreased the frequency of meltdowns, but I think it helps decrease the length of time that she's in the meltdown.
Once the meltdowns are over, we just try to carry on like normal, as if nothing happened. We play, we are goofy, and everything is back to normal...until the next meltdown. I'd say overall though, we are getting a lot better as a family at handling these moments. When all is said and done, doesn't everyone just want to play, get along, and chill out?
I'd love to hear how everyone else deals with toddler tantrums! I know everyone does it in their own way, and I'm a firm believer that no one is either right or wrong, as long as your children are safe, so I'm interested in hearing other stories of what you do!